I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
What
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
WTF
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.