[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
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no regrets
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?