King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
You Might Also Like
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
so much to do
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON