King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.