Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Don’t frighten the programmers!