Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.