Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
girls literally only want one thing..
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.