My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
i want the dreams to chase me for once
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Well, that didn’t work.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.