Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
You Might Also Like
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Real House Wines.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested