[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
That’s not how days work.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
smartest karate player in the world
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.