Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”