Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*