Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I cannot stop laughing at this
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My hips? Compulsive liars.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot