@GaryJanetti: Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That's like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.

@PopSlapFunk: *Arrives to save damsel in distress* Me: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your--" Rapunzel: "I have a boyfriend." Dragon flying by: "BURN!!"

@ScottLinnen: "Seek immediate medical help if you experience a resurrection lasting more than 2000 years."

@lemmywinkler: The "oops, wrong hole" excuse doesn't work when she catches you with her best friend.

@MermaidintheUSA: I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.