I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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I can’t stop laughing 🤣
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.