kitchen magnet
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts