[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
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OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Wait a second…
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.