[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….