[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
What number SPF blocks people?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.