[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Every BBC series about the universe.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive