[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
You Might Also Like
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
The Punning Dead.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist