[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.