@Muath_tu: Kiwis are just lemons that forgot to shave.
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@timdonakowski: Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: *shoots me with gun* *stuffs gun in my pocket* *runs away* Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide* *keeping an eye on him*
@juneohara65: Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: "Are you on any meds?" Me: "You might want to grab a notebook."