@Muath_tu: Kiwis are just lemons that forgot to shave.
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@EndhooS: "DADDY THERE'S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM" [sound of me nailing door shut] Wife "WTF are you doing?" Its too late for her now she's as good as dead
@T_N_Crumpets: WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER ME to spider: I told you, you'll get your money. Leave my family out of this SPIDER: you've got 2days
@chuuew: Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz Toto: OK but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it Dorothy: [inhaling] Toto: FFS
@charliedelta7: I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.