@Muath_tu: Kiwis are just lemons that forgot to shave.
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@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
@LackOfShame: [their last appetizer] Her: I don't want it. You have it. Him: I don't want it either, you... Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
@DadBeard: By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?