Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
#parenting
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?