Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
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Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.