*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Help Wanted
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Breaking news:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
grotesque if literal: baby food
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.