*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
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He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Y’all ready for this
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
No. YOU-buprofen.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0