Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
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DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
He-man has a Masters degree
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”