911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
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My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe