knights of the ikea table
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So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
not to brag, but mine was free
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery