@causticbob: knights of the ikea table
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@WarrenHolstein: Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
@MarfSalvador: [Morgue] Cop: Sir, I know it's tough but we need you to ID the body Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
@WhoTheHeckIsMeg: ["Platonic" male friend rams car through my bedroom wall] I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????