knights of the ikea table
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Okay me first
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.