[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
*me flirting
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.