[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
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a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.