*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
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The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Smooooooth
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.