*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.