-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 馃檪 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
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the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here鈥檚 our little murder doodler
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
*sewing*
A thread
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I鈥檓 calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don鈥檛 have to
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I鈥檓 just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: You should鈥檝e seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that鈥檚 a bird.
Me: I didn鈥檛 say he was interested