Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
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Its true…
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
⛄️
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.