For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
New tinder profile pic
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.