@fucpk: *knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?
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@droidbears: flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand me: how do i access the wifi fa: im doing safety announcements me: is that lowercase
@ConanOBrien: You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
@davedittell: can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.
@shatterpants: When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask "who's in charge of tossing the salads here?" Then I frown & order the soup.