My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means