haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
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What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 馃幍
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can鈥檛 spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can鈥檛 wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I鈥檓 not sure
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
There鈥檚 safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 馃
DATE: what鈥檚 your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it鈥檚 just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I just died 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She鈥檚 my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you鈥檙e good.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret