“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
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Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Cat.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.