Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
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My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*