Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all