Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
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screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about