No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
You Might Also Like
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
This makes total sense…
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom