I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.