Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank