Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?