[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.