[knocking at the door] VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police! ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

@WineMummy: [during sex] Can you please take your Fitbit off.

1

@jesse_street: [spelling bee] Your word is "pneumonia". "Can you use it in a sentence?" Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

1

@squirrel74wkgn: *spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

1

@cornlog: My son is screaming his head off in his room but there's no way I'm going in there if his monster reports are true.

1

@Dawn_M_: Age 10: I'm going to be a rockstar Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me

1

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets