[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.