*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
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Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I love you to the refrigerator and back
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable